Apologies

I have been thinking lately about apologies. What is an apology? Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines “apology” as “a statement saying that you are sorry about something: an expression of regret for having done or said something wrong.”

What is the reason for making an apology? The reason is this precisely: we are human and from time to time we fail and hurt those we love. How do we restore the relationship after we’ve done or said something hurtful? We apologize! To apologize is one of the most healing things we can do in a relationship.

Here is an example of an apology two brothers I was working with in a family conflict situation made to each other:

To my brother _________________:

Over the years of living and working together as brothers on the same farm, there have been times I have wronged you, in word and action. Some of these wrongs have been unintentional, while there are other times, I am sure, that I have wronged you and knew that I was sinning against you. I apologize for sinning against you both unintentionally and intentionally, and ask your forgiveness. I want the two of us brothers and couples to be able to separate in peace. May God go with you and ________________ as you move to another place and raise your family.

How difficult is it for you to apologize? For most people it is a very difficult thing to do. After all, underlying apology is the admission to oneself and to others that I was wrong. For many people, this admission in itself is daunting. But to arrive at the place where one can admit that they have been wrong can be very freeing. After all, who of us in never wrong? No one! And yet, some people live as though they never err in any way.

There may be a number of reasons why people have difficulty apologizing. One may be that a person grew up in a home environment where apologies were never expressed. Or perhaps children were made to apologize, but parents never did. I worked with a man who shared that he never heard his mother apologize even once in all his life. This man knew there were times his mother could have and probably should have apologized but she never did. This client also found it very difficult, as an adult, to apologize to his wife and children.

Another reason people may have difficulty apologizing is due to a perfectionist approach to life. For some people, to ever admit that they were wrong and apologize to others, is to lose control over their life situation. For some, the only personal strength they may have is wrapped up in the aura of perfectionism, and to admit wrong or failure would be devastating to their self-image.

Try apologizing! It is very freeing. It also greatly improves relationships! Apology breathes new life, grace and openness into marriage, family, friendships, and workplace relationships.

Tom Horst, MA MFT

Marriage and Family Therapist