Forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness. As I work with individuals, couples and families, I find that one of the most powerful actions a person can engage in is forgiveness. It can also be one of the most difficult things to do in relationships, especially where one has experienced deep hurt. Following are some key concepts about forgiveness that I share with clients in the counseling setting:

 What is forgiveness? It is defined as the willingness to let go of self-harming or ineffective forms of anger, choosing instead to turn over ultimate resolution of the wrong to God.

What forgiveness is not:

û  Letting go of healthy forms of anger.

û  Allowing family members to continue to disrespect your needs and boundaries.

û  Lying down and becoming a human doormat.

û  Telling your family member the past is no longer significant and everything's fine now.

û  Pretending to go back to normal relations as if nothing happened.

û  Denying that you may still have to live with pain caused by the wrongful deed.

Forgiveness does not always eliminate all your pain nor does it mean that you will never feel emotions such as anger, grief or disappointment associated with the wrong that was done against you.

Forgiveness does mean:

ü  You will let go of the demand for repayment, particularly as you have exhausted all reasonable attempts at restitution or restoration.

ü  You will free yourself to focus on rewarding relationships and pursuits.

ü  You will choose to give up any obsessions regarding your family member, instead that you have better things to give your attention to.

ü  You will be willing to refrain from ongoing temptations to insult your family member or exact revenge in some way.

ü  You will let go of any illusions that you might somehow control your family member's  life.

ü  You will not spend significant amounts of energy attempting to prove that you were right and your family member was wrong.

ü  You will be forward looking about life, realizing that new opportunities await you.

ü  You will give yourself permission to make life choices that will lead to contentment and peace.

Forgiveness takes time. It is more a prolonged struggle than an easily made choice. Forgiveness is a series of choices made by aggrieved former or current marriage partners in the face of daily life events that remind them of their past relationship.

Forgiveness often occurs in small increments and sporadic setbacks are typical, especially in situations where the violation of trust and partnership is particularly deep and hurtful.

Remember the words of the Lord's prayer: "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us."

Submitted by Tom Horst, Marriage and Family Therapist

New Hope Community Life Ministry