A Nurturing Father

I've been thinking lately about being a nurturing father. So much of what we hear and see portrayed in the media today regarding the role of fathers is either an image of a weak and uninvolved father or perhaps a father who is more like a dictator--angry, shouting out orders--or maybe a father who provides for the material needs of the family, but is absent emotionally.

The biblical model, especially in the New Testament, is that of a nurturing father. The Apostle Paul wrote to his Christian friends in I Thessalonians: "We were as gentle among you as a mother feeding and caring for her own children" (2:7). In the Psalms we read: "The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him" (103:13).

As a therapist I see my male clients struggling with what it really means to be a nurturing father. It is my belief that one of the most pressing needs in our society today is for men to be a nurturing influence in their marriages and families. What exactly does it mean to be "nurturing?" Recently one of my clients who is the father of two elementary aged children said to me: "I want to be nurturing but it's so hard for me to drop the 'hard side' of maleness." So we embarked on a discussion of how to "drop" this hard side. We did a comparison of what the "hard" and "soft sides" look like. Here's what we came up with (sorry about the alignment-the blog tabs weren't cooperating):

Hard Side                                                Soft Side
1. Show no emotion           1. Allow emotions to show outwardly
2. Hard shell outside           2. Show caring and compassion
3. Keep feelings inside        3. Share feelings
4. Never admit failure         4. Acknowledge shortcomings
5. Little physical affection   5. Show appropriate physical affection
6. Insensitive to others        6. Sensitive to other's feelings and ideas
7. No apologies                     7. Acknowledge wrong doing
8. Pride                                     8. Humility
9. Unaffirming of anyone     9. Affirm worth of others, esp. children
10. Dictatorship                   10. Partnership

This list is a work in progress. To those reading this blog, if you have any to add to the list, please let me know! As a therapist and also a husband and father, I have seen in clients and experienced in my own life that the "soft side" works within our families. Let's give it a try, men!

Tom Horst, Marriage and Family Therapist