Listening

I've been thinking about a very important component of communication called listening. When we think of communication, we most often think of words and rightly so, but words are only a small part of communication. A large part of communication is non-verbal, that is, unspoken. Body language, tone of voice, even silence, are powerful communicators. Have you ever thought that listening is an important part of communication? Yes, listening is very important. After all, if I'm going to communicate with you, I need you to listen. Listening is a very key way to say: "You're important to me. What you're sharing with me is important to me. It is so important to me that I'm going to focus on what you're saying."

Listening involves several key components. First of all, one's body language should indicate you're interested in listening. Slouching in your chair, looking out the window, reading the newspaper, working on the computer or playing video games, texting on one's cellphone, or appearing tired and disinterested all say to the speaker: "I'm not interested," or, "I'm too busy," or, "Can we get this over with?" Attentive body language involves leaning forward in one's chair, good eye contatct with the speaker, and not allowing anything to distract you from giving full attention, etc.

Another important component of listening is what we might call "reflective listening." This involves repeating back to the speaker what you are hearing. This is not necessarily an exact word for word repeating of what's been said, but a good summarizing. One might say: "What I hear you saying is you are feeling really tired tonight and would like to stay home rather than follow our original plans" or "It sounds like you're really feeling upbeat over the good review you got at work today." Or it can be to attempt to evaluate what the speaker might be feeling: "Sounds like the news of your mother's emergency surgery really has you upset and confused about what you should be doing this evening."

Reflective listening can be very effective, not only for the speaker to be validated, but also for the listener, because it slows down the process of communication, i.e., it can help avoid escalation in conversation. Often times in conversations, the listener is only "half-listening," while thinking about what he/she might say in response, or in self-defense. If we can discipline ourselves to listen fully to what our partner, child, spouse, is saying, before we respond, this helps slow down and de-escalate emotions. I believe you will be surprised at how much learning to be a good listener will improve the quality of your relationships!

Tom Horst, MA
Marriage and Family Therapist