Assertiveness

I’ve been thinking about assertiveness. Assertiveness is the ability to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs directly, openly and honestly, while not violating the personal rights of others. Assertiveness does not in any way mean being aggressive. Aggressive behavior is self-enhancing at the expense of others. It does not take other individual's rights into consideration. If you are aggressive, your spouse's, children's, extended family members and friends' feelings are ignored, violated and not taken into consideration when interacting with them. Furthermore, as a result of aggressive behavior, they feel hurt, humiliated, angry, and revengeful.

Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive "no" to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Assertive communica-tion can also help you handle difficult family, friends and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.

So why be assertive?

1. By standing up for ourselves and letting ourselves be known to others, we gain self-respect and respect from others.

2. By trying to live our lives in such a way to NEVER hurt ANYONE under ANY circumstances, we end up hurting ourselves and other people.

3. When we stand up for ourselves and express our honest feelings and thoughts in direct and appropriate ways, everyone usually benefits in the long run. Likewise, when we demean other people, we also demean ourselves and everyone involved usually loses in the process.

4. By sacrificing our integrity and denying our personal feelings, relationships are usually damaged or prevented from developing. Likewise, personal relationships are hurt when we try to control others through hostility, intimidation or guilt.

5. Personal relationships become more authentic and satisfying when we share our honest responses with other people and do not block others from sharing their responses with us.

6. Not letting others know what we think and feel is just as selfish as not attending to other people's thoughts and feelings.

7. When we frequently sacrifice our rights, we teach others to take advantage of us.

8. By being assertive and informing others of how their behavior affects us, we are giving them an opportunity to change their behavior, and we are showing respect for their right to know where they stand with us.

Tom Horst, MAMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist